Monthly Archives: September 2009

Just nuts

When I smell coconuts, I think of Hawaiian Tropic and summers at the public pool in my hometown.

When I see coconuts, I think of Tom Hanks in “Castaway” and Pepperidge Farms white cake.

Nothing about coconuts makes me think ‘cool’ or ‘hip’ or ‘trendy.’

But apparently drinking milk out of freshly peeled coconuts is all the rage now in Brooklyn.  Sidewalk bodegas display them on ice, and tourists buy them.

In a recent New York Times feature, purchasers said the coconut drinks made them feel ‘beachy.’  Others liked the unusual shape and appearance.  Most just wanted to be a part of the latest trend.  But no one said they were super psyched about the taste of coconut milk, which seems like the reason to drink it…right?

Open your eyes, people.  It’s not a martini glass.  It’s a coconut. It’s actually kinda pale and bulbous, and the milk is thin and watery and sicky sweet. Just because you see a few people walking down the street with them, and you happen to be in New York City, doesn’t mean you automatically have to buy one to be cool.

It’s okay to be different.

Perhaps I’ve been an outlier for too much of my life.  Or maybe I just think coconut milk tastes too icky to ‘suck it up’ for trendiness.

If only Diet Sunkist were hip — I’d be the next Carrie Bradshaw.

Skin deep

TMZ.com is one of those celebrity websites that makes me shake my head.

They apparently are willing to poke their cameras anywhere, and will post the pics and video immediately and without any pangs of conscience. If I end up reading something on their website, I usually feel guilty…and a little dirty.

(I still read it, but at least I feel bad.)

But today I hit their site via a link from who knows where, and I laughed aloud at their latest tasteless-yet-oh-so-true feature called “Amber Alert.”

Now, you no doubt know that, in the real world, an “Amber Alert” is designed to inform a community about a child’s abduction to aide in the search.  The name “Amber” honors an early victim.

Not so on TMZ.com.  There an “Amber Alert” calls out celebrities who have spent a little to much time under the spray tanner, with recent photos posted as evidence.  The most telling examples pair way white stars — like Anne Hathaway and Gwyneth Paltrow — with agent orange offenders like Ivanka Trump and Valentino.  Jennifer Love Hewitt and Kelly Ripa have also been called out of late for being a bit too baked.

As the founder and lifetime member of the PPA (Pasty People of America), I got a particular chuckle out of this feature.  And, yes, now that I have found it, will certainly return to TMZ.com to see who they skewer next.

But at least I will feel bad about it.

Serious wordplay

Dear Jenny Slate:

You don’t know me. And maybe the words of a stranger won’t be particularly comforting to you right now.

But hear this:  You didn’t — pardon my French — “F up” on Saturday Night Live’s season premiere this past weekend.

The show’s producers and writers did.

To put a brand spankin’ new player in her very first show in a sketch where every other word is ‘frickin’ is asking for trouble…especially when that player is a former club comic.  The fact that you dropped the F bomb only once is the real surprise.

When other featured cast members have joined SNL, literally weeks have passed before we heard them speak a word.  They played waiters who took orders in restaurant scenes, or partygoers who simply made the appropriate funny faces.

They set you up to fail, Jenny Slate.  If there is any music to be faced, let them face it.

I think Lorne Michaels can handle it.

Head shot

I have lost faith in Youtube.

Apparently a production assistant or intern didn’t deliver. Even a disobedient audience member with an iPhone couldn’t bring the goods.

No one was able to capture footage of the head bonk that halted taping of Friday’s “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.”  NBC aired a rerun instead and issued this statement from Conan on its website:

“Last thing I remember I was enjoying the play with Mrs. Lincoln, and the next thing I knew I was in bed being served cookies and juice.”

Pretty funny stuff from a guy with a head injury.  My guess?  A writer penned this response while they were putting  Conan on the gurney.  He may have been conscious, but if he could have pulled off a quip like that, the show would have gone on.

I honestly hope he’s okay; I just want to see what went down.

Did he lose any blood?  Did he lose any hair?  Did he cry?  Did Andy cry?  I can’t believe no one got the shot.

I wanna seeeeeeeeee.

Funny girl

I happened upon “Ghostbusters” on AMC last night — the perfect kick-back-and-veg movie after four days of business travel.

I had forgotten how funny Sigourney Weaver is!  She is such an elegant actress that her range can be deceptive.  I mean, she wins an Oscar opening a big can of whoop ass on space creatures in  ‘Alien,’  but can also play such nuanced characters in “The Ice Storm” and “A Map of the World.”

Still…her comedies are my favorite performances.  Uh, oh — I feel a list coming on!

THE WEAVER WHACK LIST

5. Dave
Kevin Kline is amazing as both a prickly President and likable look-a-like, but Sigourney holds her own as First Lady Ellen Mitchell.  Favorite moment?  Kevin and Sigourney singing “Tomorrow” from the musical “Annie” to get out of a traffic ticket. (I hope she can sing better in real life.)

4. Baby Mama
Sigourney’s role as the head of a surrogacy center could have been fairly mundane…but she adds a touch of sunny creepiness that is a joy to watch.  Plus, she just keeps having babies at her age.  Icky.

3. Working Girl
I think Katharine Parker is pretty close to home for Sigourney.  She grew up in a very privileged, monied world; this is how I imagine her day-to-day.  Not sure she would appreciate that.

2. Ghostbusters
Panting like a dog, levitating four feet above the bed, looking for the key master while Bill Murray struggles not to break character — that’s good stuff.

1. GalaxyQuest
In this great ensemble comedy, the entire cast pokes fun at actors, sci fi films, and fans. When all is said and done, it’s the best tribute to the genre that I have ever seen.  It has a lot of heart, too, mainly due to the  begrudging romance between Sigourney’s Gwen DiMarco and Tim Allen’s Jason Nesmith.

“GalaxyQuest” snuck by a lot of folks.  If you were one of them, there are many wonderful reasons to see it.  Alan Rickman. Sam Rockwell. Missi Pyle. Tony Shalhoub. Even MAC-boy Justin Long.

And, of course, silly, superb Sigourney.

Fantasy land

This blog is only a couple of months old, and already I’ve found ways to mention “Twilight” three or four times. I may have stumbled upon the movie by accident, but I have totally bonded with the film, books, and Edward.

Have I been abused for my love of “Twilight?”  Yes.  Have I watched the movie a few times past healthy?  Perhaps.  Have I felt shame for my near obsession?  Mmmmmm…..no.

(Maybe.)

But that has all changed.

Yesterday I spoke with a man who is a member of five fantasy sports leagues.  Five.  Two fantasy football leagues.  Two fantasy baseball leagues.  One fantasy hockey league.  And one fantasy NASCAR league.

Fantasy NASCAR?  I didn’t even know there was fantasy NASCAR.  (And what’s the fantasy?)

If one man can have that many fantasy sports leagues and announce it in front of everyone with no shame, and no thought of reprimand or insult, then I can go ape shit over one measly little vampire film.

Fantasy NASCAR…I mean, seriously.

‘Bring It On’ Broadway

The first DVD I ever owned was “Bring It On.”

(What? It was a gift.)

Have you seen it?  The Rancho Carne High School cheering Toros, in pursuit of their sixth national cheerleading championship in a row, discover that their former team captain stole all their award-winning routines from the East Compton Clovers. Kristin Dunst and Gabrielle Union star as the opposing team captains.

“Bring It On” is campy, cheesy and cheer-wonderful, and now…it’s coming to Broadway!

“Awesome, oh wow!
Like, totally freak me out!
I mean, right on!
The Toros sure are number one!”

I am very excited, and honestly don’t see how this show can miss.  The movie has the same fun and energy as “Legally Blonde,” which made an amazing transition from screen to stage.  Plus, Tony-award winning composers Lin-Manual Miranda of “In the Heights” and Tom Kitt of “Next to Normal” are providing the lyrics.  And Jeff Whitty of “Avenue Q” is writing the book.

They will bring it, no doubt.

We cheer and we lead,
We act like we’re on speed,
You hate us ’cause we’re beautiful,
Well we don’t like you either,
We’re cheerleaders,
We are cheerleaders.

I cannot wait until 2011.

Keep it in the family

We all have our secrets.

Some we eventually choose to reveal.  Others we keep to ourselves, because telling them might hurt someone or show a side of ourselves we’d rather not share.

But telling a secret that both hurts someone and shows yourself in a freakish light — that really helps sell a memoir…right, Mackenzie Phillips?

In her new autobiography “High on Arrival,” Phillips reveals that she slept with her dad, singer John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas.  Their first encounter was ‘accidental’ when she was 19-years old (they were both stoned), but the incestuous relationship apparently continued for some time.

In the PEOPLE magazine article, she said, “Don’t hate my father.”

Don’t hate her father? The incest story — if true — is horrendous, and it sounds like their drug problems led to and exacerbated the situation, but the gross offender in this story to me is Mackenzie herself.

What is gained by sharing this now?  Am I supposed to believe Mackenzie is telling her story of drugs and incest to encourage ‘everyday people’ to deal with theirs?  Yeah, right.

John Phillips isn’t even alive to tell his side of the story.  With all the drug use that Mackenzie admits to, this could be pure hallucination.

This story serves one purpose and one purpose only — shock value to sell books.  Shame on you, Mackenzie.  There are other, more honorable ways to make money.

Emmys Part II: Tina acting fey

Other people won Emmys Sunday night besides me.  Shocking, I know.

And overall, the winners were excited and gracious in their acceptance speeches.  Some were even funny — many intentionally so — which is always a highlight of the evening for me.

But then the Emmy for “Best Comedy” was awarded to ’30 Rock.’   This announcement was no great shock, but Tina Fey’s attitude continues to be.

I wonder if she ever takes the time to review her acceptance speeches.  The show — and Tina individually — have won enough times now that she has developed a definite persona on the awards show stage.   And here are the words I would use to describe it:  Entitled.  Ungrateful.  Pissy.

Comments like “Man, that was a nail biter” may have been her attempt to be funny, but pretty much dissed her competition in the category.  She followed that up by taking a shot at her own network with “Thanks, NBC, for keeping us on the air when we’re so much more expensive than a talk show.”  Nice way to bite the hand that feeds you there, Tina…especially since your ratings have never been as high as the critics’ opinion of you.

There are ways to be funny and gracious at the same time.  We’ve seen it over and over again at the Emmys, Oscars, even Golden Globes.  If you find saying ‘thank you’ so difficult, I’m sure the producers of any of the other comedies would be happy to take your place.

I’d certainly love to hear what they have to say.

I’d like to thank the Academy…

I won an Emmy last night!

I was an extra on an episode of “30 Rock” called ‘Reunion,’ and IT won a ‘Best Writing’ Emmy….which totally counts.

If you saw the episode — which was pretty darn hilarious — you may recall a majority of the action takes place at a high school reunion (duh) in an auditorium.  In the foreground lots of teenage angst is revisited by the major players; in the dark, poorly lit background, you kinda see some murky, indistinct figures dancing.

I was one of those gyrating guys and gals!

Now, that might not seem like much of a feat to earn an Emmy.  But just so you know — when you see people dancing in the background of a TV show, they are actually dancing to nothing.  No music.  Nada.  They have to fake dance moves in silence so the principals can speak their lines; the music you hear is added later.

Yeah, I know.  It is impressive.  And with that in mind….

I’d like to thank the Academy.  I’d also like to thank Central Casting for their belief in me.  And finally, I’d like to thank Tina Fey for being in my age range so I could play one of her former high school classmates…at a distance.