Category Archives: Books & Mags

People bites

Posted on November 19, 2009 | 1 Comment

Just yesterday, my friend Dan commented on how quiet I had been about the rapidly approaching premiere of “Twilight Saga: New Moon.”  (It’s midnight tonight, in case you’re wondering.)

I took this as a big compliment.  As an avid Twi-hard, I know I tend to chat up this particular franchise to anyone who displays even an iota of interest (i.e., breathes air), so I have tried not to belabor the topic here.

But today, guys, I gotta let loose…because an injustice of such magnitude has occurred, it cannot be ignored:

Robert Pattinson was not named People Magazine’s 2009 Sexiest Man Alive.

What the — wha?!??!

This is one year that pretty much everyone — and I mean everyone, not just Twi-hards — knew that Robert Pattinson had Sexiest Man Alive sewn up.  There was no real competition — that is, if you were looking at things from a topical, trend-driven, male, SEXY point of view.

And somehow the editors of  People still managed to screw it up.

Johnny Depp?  Gorgeous, yes.  He was Sexiest Man Alive back in 2003.  But this year?  Why this year?  His movie “Public Enemies” kinda tanked at the box office.  He did shoot “Alice in Wonderland” — which comes out in 2010 — but, seriously, which is sexier:  a vampire or the Mad Hatter?  Oh, and don’t forget the voice work he did for “Spongebob Squarepants” — wow, that’s hot.

Now, some would argue that naming Robert Pattinson Sexiest Man Alive this week would make it appear that People was part of the whole “Twilight” movie promotion machine.  A fine point.  Their magazine might get lost amongst all the other covers with RPatz right now.

But that’s thinking like a corporation.  You should publish for your audience.  And let me ask you, People Magazine — who would your readers say is the 2009 Sexiest Man Alive?  Johnny Depp because he needs a media bump before his new movie hits?  Or Robert Pattinson because he has dominated the imagination of movie goers for the past year?

I think we all know the answer.  And not giving the title to the most deserving man – that really sucks.

Pun intended.

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Posted in Books & Mags, Humor, Movies

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Water torture

Posted on November 13, 2009 | Leave a comment

There’s a regular feature in Sports Illustrated called “Signs of the Apocalypse.”  The editors include sports-related news of the weird that they feel signals the end of days.

SI, I have a submission for you:  the ABC series “Wipeout.”

Have you seen it?

Contestants willingly hurl their bodies through a wacky, water obstacle course while original “Talk Soup” host John Henson makes fun of them falling head-first into the drink — because they always fall.

Jeff Jensen at Entertainment Weekly said, “I think the sight of people violently smashing face-first into big rubber balls, over and over and over and over and over again, is totally hilarious.”

I disagree.

I could only stomach the show for a few minutes.  These people are totally humiliating  (and possibly paralyzing) themselves on national television.  I’m sure there’s some kind of prize if you complete the obstacle course without falling into the water, but seriously — has anyone ever done that?

Last week during filming, a 33-year old contestant suffered a stroke. (I’m not all that surprised; I almost had one just watching it.)  Guys, the poor man died.

So, ABC — take note.  This show isn’t just stupid and humiliating.  It’s dangerous.

Stop playing with your balls.

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Posted in Books & Mags, Humor, Television

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Living dead – part deaux

Posted on October 31, 2009 | Leave a comment

In honor of Halloween, Moviefone.com conducted a poll, asking:

“Who is the sexiest movie vampire of all time?”

Website polls are great, aren’t there?  As a former managing producer, I can tell you, it is a brilliant way to have site visitors do all the work for you.  They not only get to vote — which they love doing — but you can also let them comment — which they also love doing — that you can then use to build your feature.  Add some stock photos, and zip bing bang — Halloween feature approved and posted.

Cynical, but true.

And honestly — could Moviefone.com have asked a more obvious question this year?  The site producers probably had the top five vampire pages built before they started.  This is an example of a website asking a question that they already knew the answer to.  (In case you have been living under a rock the past year, here are the poll results.)

I guess People magazine will be going through the same trauma when they select the “Sexiest Man Alive.”  Can this year’s campaign maintain its usual hype?  Is there any real suspense at all?  If the editors pick anyone other than Robert Pattinson of “Twilight,” do they risk having their headquarters burned to the ground by an angry mob of Twi-hards?

Might be a good poll question…

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Posted in Books & Mags, Holiday, Humor, Internet

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Them’s fighting words

Posted on October 23, 2009 | Leave a comment

There’s a new book in town –  “Time to Eat the Dog?: A Real Guide to Sustainable Living.”

As soon as I read the title, I thought — there is no way the authors are seriously suggesting we eat our pets (and if they are, watch out!).

And of course, they aren’t.  New Zealand architecture professors Brenda and Robert Vale admit the name of their book is intended merely to shock ….and make a point.

Apparently every pet we own increases our carbon footprint.  In the case of a large dog, like a German Shepherd, for example, the impact each year is similar to driving a car around. (Who knew?)  So the Vales feel you shouldn’t have an animal unless you can eventually eat it.

Not surprisingly, they don’t have any pets.  But, after writing this book, they have quite a few enemies.  The online blogs and message boards quickly filled with comments from angry people who took umbrage with the book’s title.

I didn’t spew any venom at the authors — I realized their headline was a marketing ploy more so than a real recommendation — but I was cheered by the online support for pets that the book title prompted.

Anyone who has had a dog share their lives knows how much that hairy little creature adds to each day.  For the very little that they ask from you, they give so very much more in return.

Living green is important, but living a happy life is the ultimate goal.  I don’t think anyone should eliminate relationships that make life worth living — human, canine, feline or exotic pet.

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Posted in Books & Mags, Dogs, Foods, Humor

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Like, really?

Posted on October 8, 2009 | 4 Comments

In a recent phone survey, adults in the US were asked what phrase annoyed them most in conversation.

The winner?  “Whatever” — pronounced “WHAT’-ehv-errr” — annoyed 47 percent of the people surveyed.

I can see that.  Depending on your tone of voice and the context, “whatever” can be rude and dismissive and very annoying.

But “whatever” didn’t just appear at the top of the poll.   Respondents were only given five phrases from which to choose.  The other four were:

  • “Anyway”
  • “It is what it is”
  • “You know”
  • “At the end of the day”

Who was drinking when they came up with this list?  It seems like the deck was pretty well stacked for “whatever” to win most annoying.  The other phrases don’t have any attitude at all, and would only get annoying if used repeatedly.  For instance, if I heard “you know” too many times in one conversation, that would get on my nerves.

(FYI — the survey was conducted by pollsters at Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York…which could explain a lot.)

If you ask me, the phrase with the ultimate ability to annoy that should have been included on this list is “like.”  I know so many people who use this word multiple times in each sentence, let alone in each conversation. I am tempted sometimes to secretly tape them and play it back so they can hear how idiotic that one word can make them sound.

Like, no matter, like, what you’re saying, like, it makes you sound, like, stupid, like, you know?

Man…I just annoyed myself.

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Posted in Books & Mags, Humor, Internet

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Keep it in the family

Posted on September 23, 2009 | 1 Comment

We all have our secrets.

Some we eventually choose to reveal.  Others we keep to ourselves, because telling them might hurt someone or show a side of ourselves we’d rather not share.

But telling a secret that both hurts someone and shows yourself in a freakish light — that really helps sell a memoir…right, Mackenzie Phillips?

In her new autobiography “High on Arrival,” Phillips reveals that she slept with her dad, singer John Phillips of the Mamas and Papas.  Their first encounter was ‘accidental’ when she was 19-years old (they were both stoned), but the incestuous relationship apparently continued for some time.

In the PEOPLE magazine article, she said, “Don’t hate my father.”

Don’t hate her father? The incest story — if true — is horrendous, and it sounds like their drug problems led to and exacerbated the situation, but the gross offender in this story to me is Mackenzie herself.

What is gained by sharing this now?  Am I supposed to believe Mackenzie is telling her story of drugs and incest to encourage ‘everyday people’ to deal with theirs?  Yeah, right.

John Phillips isn’t even alive to tell his side of the story.  With all the drug use that Mackenzie admits to, this could be pure hallucination.

This story serves one purpose and one purpose only — shock value to sell books.  Shame on you, Mackenzie.  There are other, more honorable ways to make money.

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Now boarding, track 9 3/4

Posted on September 19, 2009 | 1 Comment

I’ve done Disneyland.

I’ve done DisneyWorld, MGM Grand, and Epcot Center.  I’ve done Kings Island, Six Flags, Worlds of Fun, Silver Dollar City, and Knotts Berry Farm.

At this point in my life, I feel like I’ve done amusement parks, and they’ve done me.

Well, all that changed this week when Universal Orlando Resorts and Warner Brothers announced that The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will open in Spring 2010 at Universal’s Islands of Adventure.

Great Merlin’s beard!

I was like a kid in a candy store at the Harry Potter exhibit in Chicago earlier this year…but to get the chance to tour Hogswarts Castle?  To stroll down the streets of Hogsmeade?  Buy magical candies at Honeydukes, or sip butterbear at Three Broomsticks?  I will no doubt embarrass myself amid all the parents and children in attendance.

There are even going to be two rollercoasters — I mean, come on!  How am I supposed to behave…like an adult?

Harry Potter turns us all into kids again.  That’s the magic.

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Sell this

Posted on September 15, 2009 | 1 Comment

File this under “TV shows I should be starring in based on scripts I should have written inspired by books I should have penned…”

“Sellevision,” a half-hour sitcom based on the book by Augusten Burroughs (of Running with Scissors fame) is in the works at NBC.

(That’s right — NBC!  They’re working on a scripted comedy for a change.  Good network.  Good boy.)

First of all, I’m not sure how this book got written without me.  It’s about home shopping, a concept that I discovered in its infancy in the mid-8o’s.  I was one of the early predictors of its success back when the show hosts were ridiculous, the products laughable, and the sets trailer park chic.

I still remember the first day I saw CVN (now QVC) on television.  I was stuck at home with the flu, running a 103 degree temperature, and this woman was trying to sell these jacuzzi jets that you put into your bathtub to make it bubble.  (I thought my fever was causing hallucinations.)

But I could still see the potential through the haze of my humidifier.  With the right products — I mean, now QVC is partnering with major brands — and solid marketing and salesmanship, home shopping is now a multi-billion dollar industry.  Heck, QVC’s website alone drives millions of dollars in sales each year.  They are practically printing money in West Chester, Pennsylvania.

But alas, I didn’t write a book.

Augusten Burroughs did.  He wrote “Sellevision” while he was getting sober.  He didn’t let sickness stop him.  He said it was the first thing to make him laugh in a long time.   Now he has a novel and a sitcom deal, and he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Me? I have my health….and a membership in good standing with QVC.

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Science inspires…church attendance?

Posted on September 2, 2009 | 1 Comment

Neuroscientists have developed fingerless ‘smart gloves’ that act as imaginary pens. They translate your gestures into words and save them on a wireless device.

I love this!

When I was a child, I used to sit in church and ‘write’ the words to the priest’s sermon on the pew with my index finger.  It was just something to do to pass the time and kept me focused on the topic (in case Mom asked).  Imagine if I had had a pair of these ‘smart gloves’…I could have begun multi-tasking at a much earlier age!

I could have begun writing the Great American Novel…about a priest living in the Australian Outback who falls in love with the daughter of a station manager, but loves God more than he loves her — oh wait, Colleen McCullough already wrote “The Thornbirds.”  Damn.

But still…imagine all the great comedic material that a church sermon inspires. And I could have gotten it down — with a flip of the wrist — while it was still  fresh in my mind.

Heck, it almost makes me want to go back to church now.

Well…almost.

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Hail, Snail Mail!

Posted on August 25, 2009 | Leave a comment

I have been away on business with my dog Rory for almost a week. I thought I would pine for our daily walks in Central Park; my idle conversations with neighbors on their stoops; the energy that is Manhattan.

Instead…I miss my mail.

What excites me most about my return home later this week — besides sleeping on my own pillow –  is seeing what treasures await in the stash of collected mail that is being held for me at the post office.

I don’t know if my feelings are unique to freelancers.  I mean, I hope to see some checks in the mail, of course.   But I will be equally psyched to see all my letters,  magazines, catalogs, theater and event postcards, and heck, even my bills.

I realized while working remotely this week that I miss the daily mail delivery, too.  That afternoon saunter to the mail box is a break I anticipate and enjoy.  Here, in my corporate apartment, there’s only email, and its constant stream — while immediate, necessary, and appreciated — somehow doesn’t have the romance or charm of my daily snail mail delivery.

So, to my mailman back in Manhattan — I miss you.  I appreciate you.  And I hope you got my hold order.  ‘Cause if I come home to an overflowing box of mangled mail, I’ll have to kill you.

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