Tag Archives: farts

5 reasons

Has the movie Swiss Army Man opened in your town?

swissarmyman

 

When it does, go see it! Here are five reasons.

1. The title. It brilliantly encapsulates the film yet is never spoken in it. Bonus points.

2. The premise. A man shipwrecked on an island finds a corpse who ‘helps’ him find his way home (and becomes his best friend along the way).  Original?  Uh, yeah.

3. The cast. Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe fully commit to their respective roles as suicidal loser and farting corpse. I was blown away [rimshot].

4. The soundtrack. Led by two music video directors, the movie soundtrack is almost a third cast member. It’s that good.

5. The farting. It’s pretty important to the plot. And you’ll laugh at all the farting. Heck, we’re all still 12 years old at heart — am I right?

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Smelly cab

Remember the Seinfeld episode where Elaine gets in the cab that reeks of killer B.O.?

The smell stuck to her clothes — was even in her mouth — long after she got out of the taxi.

I can do her one better.

After being out of town all week — four cities in four days, two missed flights, and more airplane boxed meals than I care to remember — I excitedly jumped in the cab to get home to my dog.  And what was there to greet me?

KILLER FARTS

I say farts (plural) because it wasn’t just one that faded away as I sat there.  No, the odor was constant and cloying and seemed to invade every pore of my skin.

Elaine, if you’re out there in your imaginary world, I’m pretty sure farts trump B.O. — I win!

Which means I lose.  Oh yes, I lose BIG TIME.

Goo goo

What the flarp?

No, seriously — do you know what ‘flarp’ is?

I encountered this word yesterday for the very first time in an article online.  Thanks to the all-knowing, all-seeing Google, I soon learned that flarp is a liquid-like goo that makes a fart noise when you stick your hand in it.

Brilliant.

Flarp no doubt has a lot of admirers amongst the pre-teen set.  But what makes flarp rise above the farts it attempts to mimic is it smells good.  In fact, it comes in no less than six fruity aromas — orange, lemon, banana, strawberry, pineapple and grape.

You can see how that would beat the real thing every time.

Obviously, flarp entered the scene long after my childhood had passed.  When I was a kid, we were all about Silly Putty.  Silly Putty didn’t make any noise to speak of, and it came in only one color/smell combo — putty grey.

You could copy newspaper print and comics with Silly Putty.  Remember newspapers?  That stuff we used to read before the Internet?

You’re using your flarp right now to make fun of me…aren’t you?

Pfffttt!

Toot toot

Looking for the perfect 4th of July family holiday destination?

This one’s a GAS.

Only in the South — land of my birth — would folks erect a museum dedicated to beans.  That’s right.  Bush Brothers & Co., the baked bean guys, are opening a museum and visitors’ center this weekend in Chestnut Hill, Tennessee, at the site of the company’s original general store.

Cool beans.

Granted, the television commercials for Bush’s Baked Beans — you know, the ones featuring Jay Bush and his sneaky yet  lovable dog Duke — are pretty funny.  That alone may spark some curiosity about the place.

But the museum doesn’t sound like it has as much of a sense of humor about beans as Jay and his dog do.  The attractions sound fairly standard — a theater showing the TV ads; a display of the original canning tools; a kiosk where you can put yourself in a photo with Duke; and a giant replica of a bean’s journey from field to can.

That’s it?  A bean museum that doesn’t poke even a little fun at itself?  No innuendo — implied or overt — about the bean and its relationship to the more, well, smelly aspects of our person?  Heck, they could have at the very least had Beano sponsor the visitors’ center.

Let’s face it, the movie studios have made several small fortunes laughing at pee, poop and farts.  I hate to see the first bean museum lose out due to good manners.