Tag Archives: jokes

Late night time machine

LNJFDear Jimmy,

As your days on Late Night wind down and you prepare to take over the storied seat behind the Tonight Show desk, I want to offer a word of advice.

(As someone who has watched you grow and change on LNJF…and who watches all your late night competitors, too.)

Pare down your monologue.

It used to be short.  I can remember early monologues that were five jokes.  Maybe that was too quick, but now your opening is too long.  The quality of the jokes has improved, but it’s still not your strong suit.  You know what is —

Games. Music. Sketches. Long-form pieces. And your relationship with the celebs you’ve invited…but currently rush in and out because you don’t have any time.

I think we just found some.

Funny business

What is the funniest joke of all time?

Easy.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other one and says —
“Does this taste funny to you?

My all-time favorite.

What brought this to mind?  I found a sculpture online — a modern take, if you will — of two zombies eating a clown that was inspired by that classic vaudeville joke.

two zombies eating a clownI don’t know…from where I’m sitting —

Clown looks pretty tasty.

Greening my blog (and my dog)

Hope you’ve had a fun St. Patrick’s Day

Rory Dog

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We’ve been Dublin over with laughter!

Did I really just say that?

(Yes, I O’Reilly did.)

Military mirth

HAPPY VETERAN’S DAY!

This holiday makes me think of — and be extremely thankful for — all the men and women from every branch of the military, past and present.

I discovered yesterday that a friend of mine in the neighborhood was a former MARINE.  Since my oldest brother is a retired ARMY Lt. Colonel, I’ve heard a few good-natured jokes over the years about MARINES…so I asked my friend if the humor runs both ways.

The man turned into a stand-up comic.

So in honor of the day, I thought I would share a few jokes about all branches of the military.  (I’m sure none of them would want to be left out.)

ARMY
Doesn’t ARMY stand for Ain’t Really Men Yet?

MARINES
An Airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a MARINE joke?” The guy replies, “I am a MARINE. The huge guy sitting next to me is a MARINE. The big fella next to him is also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?” The Airman says, “Nah. I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

NAVY
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, “Why do you want to join the NAVY, son?”
“My father said it’d be a good idea, Sir.”
“Oh? And what does your father do?”
“He’s in the ARMY, Sir.”

AIR FORCE
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.

Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

Good stuff.

Have you heard one from your family or friends? Add it in the comments section.

Fair warning

Weeks before the 2011 Academy Awards hit the air, the producers warned everyone in pre-show interviews that their young hosts weren’t comedians, so we shouldn’t expect jokes.

Anne and James weren’t bringing the funny.

And they were right.  They didn’t.

Anne did bring an overly energetic brightness to the stage that became grating.  Her big number went well, but I’m sure Hugh Jackman is even happier today that he dodged that bullet.

James, on the other hand, was quiet and appeared stoned.  He even had trouble reading the teleprompter.  (Hey, it’s a skill not all people can master.)  I think he regretted taking job #1,714 as soon as he stepped on stage, and his partnership with perky Anne even more so.

Oil and water, those two.

It made me even more grateful for the moments to come in the Oscar acceptance speeches.

Moments of wonderful self-deprecation from Best Actor winner Colin Firth:
“I have a feeling my career’s just peaked.”

…and NYU student Luke Matheny, upon winning the Oscar for Best Live Action Short Film God of Love:
“Oh, I should have got a haircut!”

Entertaining shout-outs to family members, including Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar winner Aaron Sorkin for The Social Network:

“Roxy Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award, I’m going to insist on some respect from your guinea pig.”

…and Tom Hooper, giving credit to his mother for finding The King’s Speech during his Best Director Oscar acceptance:

“The moral of the story is, listen to your mother.”

And perhaps most inspiring of all — especially for Sticky Eggs like me — were David Seidler’s words upon receiving his Best Screenplay Oscar for “Speech.”

“My father always said to me I would be a late bloomer.  I believe I am the oldest person to win this particular award.  I hope that record is broken quickly and often.”

Now, that’s what we needed to hear.

Laugh thru the pain

I have a really bad headache.

I’m not all that surprised.  I’ve been on the road for the past few days and am sleep deficit, so this migraine is almost expected.  What does surprise me are the jokes I found online about migraine headaches.

I never realized how funny other people would find my pain.

Here are a couple of examples:

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraines. The doctor discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man and still, no improvement.

“Listen,” says the doc, “When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it really works! I’ve had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad it worked.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.”

(Rimshot)  And here’s another one, also a bit blue…

A guy with chronic migraine headaches sees a doctor about his pain. The doctor says, “I can cure your headaches, but I`ll have to cut your balls off to do it.”

The man is horrified at this idea, but he can`t work or sleep, and he`s generally miserable. He says, “I don’t care, cut them off. Just get rid of these damned headaches!”

The doctor performs the operation, and immediately the headaches go away.
The guy is relatively happy, so one day, he decides to get himself a new wardrobe at a new shop downtown.

As soon as he walks in the door, the clerk looks carefully at him and says, “You wear a 44 long jacket, don`t you?” The guy says, “Yeah, how did you know?”
“I have an eye,” says the clerk.

“You also wear a 36 large jockstrap.”  “Ah hah!  You’re wrong,” the guy says gleefully. “I wear a 32 small jockstrap.”  “No, you have to wear a 36 large,” says the clerk.  “Look,  I’m sorry, but you`re wrong. I wear a 32 small.”

That`s impossible,” says the confused clerk. “A 32 small jockstrap would pinch your balls and give you migraines.”

Heck, I didn’t even know jockstraps came in sizes.

Off to take more drugs.  Have a good day.

Tip your mama dog

A comedian once quipped that if aliens landed on Earth, they would quickly assume dogs were in charge since their humans were following them, picking up their poop in plastic bags.

It’s funny because it’s true.

I’m just glad aliens weren’t around to see me giving Rory a bath today…and not just because I was naked. (It makes cleanup easier, believe me.)

Rory knows the word “bath,” and is very agreeable about getting into the tub. He stands there quietly while I wash him — the whole process is easy peasy.

It’s the blow dry that makes me laugh.

Here again, Rory is game to have his haired dried. I give him a rawhide bone to keep him occupied, and he pretty much ignores me while I dry and fluff and brush. I’m like a stylist at a salon whose client won’t chat with her. The only time Rory even looks back at me is when I start trying to dry his ears or feet, which irritates him.

At that point, he loses interest and walks away…as if to say, “Enough, peasant.”

Yep. I know who’s in charge.