Dear Robert Pattinson:
Please hire me as your publicist.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Being no doubt a faithful reader of The Sticky Egg — and why wouldn’t you? I’ve mentioned you a whopping 12 times during the blog’s two-year existence — you might deem my motives less than honorable.
True, my mind does go a bit blank when I see photos of you. And I will cop to letting a scream or two fly at midnight premieres of the Twilight films.
(All the other kids were doing it.)
No, this plea to join your entourage is motivated by a sincere wish to improve your public speaking skills. It is purely professional. Any personal enjoyment I might glean during the coaching process is simply collateral damage.
Don’t get me wrong — your sense of humor and lack of ‘slickness’ is charming in one-on-one interviews. But in acceptance speeches and during the MTV Movie Awards’ salute to Reece Witherspoon last night, for example, just a bit of preparation and polish would have made a world of difference in that larger venue.
Your ideas are fun; they just need a little more work. Reece showed that when she stepped on stage and made them better.
Let Chelsea Handler’s shocked reaction be your guide…and let me be your coach.
I promise to keep our interaction age appropriate.